"Nice" Guys

Once again, I found something on Facebook that I disagree with. Behold the following:

It's a common belief that niceness equates with an inability to get a serious relationship.  This sentiment is not limited to men, either. I have female friends who say the same thing: because they are nice, guys won't date them.


Problem with Definition

The complexity of this issue begins when we try to define the word "nice."

I have seen many people that I would consider idiots.  These same individuals would not consider themselves thus. This fact does not stop them from viewing other individuals as idiots.  The subjective nature of the word can be summed up as follows: "An idiot is someone who says something that makes you mad."

Similar to the former misunderstanding, niceness has a similar misunderstanding, though it is more complex than the issue relating to idiocy.  What I consider nice is not what everyone considers nice.  I may think I'm nice if I sacrifice my time and energy to help a woman feel better, but if she thinks that I am helping her only because I want something—like marriage or physical intimacy—she will see me as manipulative and not as nice.  So, "nice" then, is defined as follows: "a person who does things which I believe are good and decent."

But what is good and decent to one person may not be good and decent to another.

Problem with Perception

The phrase "nice guy" means different things to different people. Self-proclaimed nice guys will identify themselves as

reasonable, safe, passionate, thoughtful, patient, and romantic.

But, someone else may see them as

utilitarian, lacking creativity, obsessive, manipulative,  unable to take "no" for an answer, and creepy.

Because of this drastic distinction, I have met people who obsess and who refuse to take no for an answer that consider themselves nice.  I have met misogynists (men who think women are inferior) that consider themselves nice.  I have met selfish, terrible people who view women as objects but still legitimately believed themselves to be nice.  A self-professed nice guy made the following statement about American women: "  You should pray that more people won't eventually catch-on to what a purposeless, unthinking dollop of steaming excrement you are. "  At best, they could say that they considered themselves nice, not that they were actually nice.

Problems with Assumptions
Assumption: Friendship is just a failed relationship.
"Nice" guys can view friendship with the opposite sex as a failure.  They view friendship as a means to an end: dating and ultimately marriage and sex.  If the person they are interested in does not view friendship as a failure, but as something to be celebrated, they don't think the "friend zone" is a bad thing.

Assumption:  Niceness needs to be rewarded.
"Nice" guys can assume that they are owed something for their niceness, as if being kind is a way to receive stuff.  This kind of mentality is not shared by all; indeed, the concept of altruism (being kind without wanting a reward for it) is a very valid and common alternative.  Expecting to be rewarded for being nice can make people feel like you are faking kindness to get something.

Assumption: Relationships are a form of reward
There is a common belief among "nice" guys and "nice" girls that the kind of reward they deserve is a romantic or sexual one.  Romance and sex are not prizes one gets for doing good things.

Assumption: Only shallow women don't believe niceness is the most important thing.
A relationship is founded upon many things, one of which is niceness.  Even truly nice people may find that they are not attractive to their opposite sex friend in the romantic sense.

The following is an incomplete list of things that are, in general, important to consider in a person before deciding whether or not to date them:

sexual orientation	ambition	sexual attractiveness	age difference
political values	sexual values	religious values,	ethical/moral values,
mental disorders	honesty	trustworthiness	selflessness
cultural differences	opinions regarding children

The list is much longer than presented, and varies from person to person.

Assumption: Niceness is a behavior.

It is not a universal assumption that nice acts are nice independent of intention.  Some people think that the niceness of an act depends to a large degree on goal or purpose.  These people believe that holding a door open for a woman because you hope she will date you is not nice.  Holding a door open for a stranger you have no intention of ever seeing again is nice.  Helping someone move only because they are going to feed you afterwards is not nice.  Helping someone move because you know that if you were in their situation, you would want help, is nice.  

Most acts are neutral until motivation is considered.  If a house doesn't fall on you while you are inside it, no one would claim that the house is being nice.  However, if a person drops something on you, that action suddenly has moral implications.

Please state your opinion, however disagreeable, in the comments.